Yeah I’m mental, what’s new?
Rounding out the most mentally challenging year of my life with a good heart has surprised me way more than any obstacle that I have overcome in the past has. If it wasn’t for a few good people inviting me on trips this year and inspiring me to get back on a bike and do the things I love I honestly don’t think I’d be here typing this. I’ve crumbled more times this year over stupid stuff than you could ever imagine and I genuinely felt like I’d fully lost who I was...
I have always been referred to as a bit mental but more for being wild and outspoken, mostly chatting out of my ass about opinionated shit I had no business caring about but thought I knew everything. Actual mental health problems were something I used to think people put on until a few things in my life started to go really west. Then I lost my uncle/best friend/father figure/idol/boss/teacher/sponsor and I moved house and my car broke and I spent half the time in Miami arguing with my cousin about some stupid shit that I could usually ignore while out to see my brother Andre (we ain’t related but you know) for my birthday! We didn’t talk on the flight home except for when I sat in the window seat for the second time after taking the master bedroom and arguing about who had what quilt sleeping on a double air bed at andre’s place, back to back, angry as you could possibly be, wanting to punch each others heads in and wallowing into each other every time the other person moved... If someone farted at the wrong time on that trip things could have got very ugly. We both learned a lot that trip. Nathan learned I share too much most of the time and nothing on MY birthday trip. Haha!
I didn’t know who I was! I was playing well at football and getting put on the bench every week, people playing in my team were confused and I tried to be cool with it. I was fighting my mind and trying to be a good person and have a good attitude all at one time and I couldn’t help but think the world was against me when even the little things wouldn’t fall for me. A guy bought our family business and started talking about changing our money at work obviously not in our favour and I had had enough. There was also the hint of dealing with someone calling me racist names playing football down in clutton. That’s kind of funny because my dad came to the game after not being in my life, it was nice to have him there seeing me play but I start getting told to fuck off home... He’s Nigerian and you can’t hide it like my light skin hides me.
I’ve become very aware of how the people around me effect my mental health and how sometimes doing nothing about it is the wrong thing to do, even if it’s pure rage, let it out! Just be careful where, focus on the gym! Ride your bike harder than ever! Get a punchbag! Draw something! Take pictures! Write!
I’m actually pretty excited with the things I’ve learned and knowing I’ve found who my good bunch of people are moving forward. Hopefully there’s a lot of good to come from me yet! Baby steps and all that ;)
Writing this is regarded as soft to most people, I’ve even thought it when people did it before but It’s actually been the best thing I could have ever given my energy to right now. I’m writing it for anyone who sits and feels like they are soft for feeling like everything is falling apart and nobody wants to hear it. People do. If they don’t, they are not your people and you need to get away from them. You can get through anything with good people and the worst situations will feel like a funny story. I have loads of them to tell, they are the best!
If you’re having a hard time you have to pick your people very carefully, “Vibes” are a thing and your ‘gut’ feeling is your body’s way of warning you that something is up, trust it! Go and find the people that stop you feeling anxious and get back to feeling like yourself.
I hope this helps someone, if it doesn’t it helped me so its a win win! I’m taking my wins very seriously right now as life took a lot from me lately so yeah, get it off your chest! Talk to someone! You got this!
(Lead image courtesy @krisbarrry)